BThere was a time that I would hope that Neurotic Man Cleans House would mean that I was a dissatisfied politician. But now it means that it is time for my spring cleaning! I expect you must think I’m crazy to do my spring cleaning in the middle of winter. But that’s how I keep warm, it’s part of the thinkology system. I learned about it from the movie, the Music Man. I love that movie. Robert Preston is okay but Shirley Jones is sensational. Marion the librarian was such a great part for her. I expect librarians to like a clean house. After all, you don’t see piles of dust in a library, do you? The problem with cleaning house is first you have to clean the things you use to clean house. Vacuums are notoriously filthy. Ugh. So before you vacuum the floor you need to clean the vacuum. But you can’t clean the vacuum with dirty sponges, can you? And to clean the sponge you have to go to the sink. But you need to have the sink clean before you clean the sponges. But to clean the sponges the sink has to be clean. Eventually the whole process is too much for me and I give up and go to the store and buy some sponges.
That’s why I have 9 vacuums. It’s like one of those mobius strips and I’m getting dizzy just thinking about all this cleaning. And I’m so glad I’m not into objectophilia – I’d be a bigamist. So that’s why I’m thinking about cleaning in the dead of winter – it takes me months to get ready for my spring cleaning.
But people used to live in caves or in huts made out of twigs and the floors would be dirt so I just can’t see how my smidgeon of dirt makes much of a difference. I’ve always wondered; how do you clean a dirt floor? Does anybody know? If I’m lucky enough to find another girlfriend I hope she doesn’t mind a bit of dirt here and there. Otherwise, I guess it will be vacuum number 10. I could get rid of the old vacuums through a garage sale but then all those people tracking dirt and who knows what else into my garage and onto my driveway and they’re only a few feet (Ha! The other kind of feet) away from my home. I wonder what came first – the appendage or the measurement. And if the appendage came first, what happens when you measure the length of your arms.
Enough procrastination. I better be off to the store to stock up on respirators for the cleaning. Bye for now!